An Awfully Honest Babble

happiness(image from Pinterest, where it’s cited as being from http://www.thefabweb.com)

That moment when you realize that people are trying to bond with you, not show you up. I have a lot of confidence issues (yes, I know that you never saw that one coming…) and I’ve been going through a weird period. It’s not that I don’t think that I’m capable. It’s that I don’t think that I’m capable enough.

One of the other big sticking points for me lately is that I’ve turned everything into a dichotomy. You’re going to notice that there’s going to be a slight spike in body confidence material on the blog. Not a huge one, I’m not going to turn into a body blogger. Mainly because I don’t want to. Anyway, I’ve discovered at least part of where my issues lie. Part of my personal history has led me to being a fairly competitive person.

This is where that statement is relevant: I am actually getting better about learning to accept a compliment. And I’m getting better about forcing myself through that weird haze that body dysmorphia gives a person so I have a better understanding what I actually look like. The problem is that when someone acknowledges that another person is pretty, I go on the defensive. Which is a problem.

It goes something like this: I seem to have developed the mindset that attractiveness is a finite resource. If someone else is pretty, I can’t be pretty too because they’ve eaten all the pretty. It’s like having two pieces of cake but telling the third person that they’re eating cake. No, they’re not, and everyone ‘knows’ it. I’m not going to invoke the big F again but yes I’m fully aware that ‘pretty’ isn’t the saving grace that the media wants it to be but I also hate the current third wave mentality that you should just reject the idea entirely. I’m sorry, unless there’s been some sort of sociological revolution no one told me about I’m still stuck in this body and working with the feedback I get from social interaction.

So then the question is what to do about this. Part of it is going to be time. I’m dealing with 28 years worth of training, it’s not going to be something I fix overnight. If I’m going to be honest I’m not sure I’m ever going to undo it entirely. Part of it is just awareness that this is a thought pattern I fall into and I’m going to have to do literally stop the thought process and rework it. It’s not like I want everyone to think that I’m some sort of goddess, I just want to stop beating myself up on the rare occasions that I decide to go out at night.

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