This was a very long, relatively painful weekend. I suppose the upside is that the things that I worried were going to make it painful didn’t, but since I’ve yet to learn to be careful what I wish for I got a whole other bag of discomfort.
I’m not going to go into my personal feelings on death because it actually really bothers me to read a blog that’s not about faith go into faith all the time. Suffice to say, I think that Americans can run a little too detached from death so when it plops itself down uninvited to dinner, things can go a little weird a little quickly. It’s not my story to tell nor do I even have all the details to share even I had the right to do so. But it was one of those situations where everything I had to give was being put into play-and I found myself being tested almost to the breaking point.
There’s only so much that any given person can do at any given juncture. I have to remind myself that regardless of my desires to go into grief counseling I’m not there yet. I’m left panicky, struggling, and over-exposed-and feeling more than slightly dissatisfied that I can’t do more. Part of the reason that I walk the path that I do is that I can’t just hand things over to the universe. I have to have my hands dirty, even if they’re covered with all the crap that life hands me.
I’m actually pretty good while the crisis is on-going. Kitchencraft gives me something to keep my hands busy; if I can do nothing else I can make sure people are hydrated and are not hungry. Eventually though I find myself left alone with no one left to mother, and I just…flail. I spent a large chunk of yesterday just flailing around like a muppet in a hurricane.
I do actually take a deep comfort in my path, even with knowing that I’m currently walking a very demanding and sometimes painful path. This is not me expressing some sort of need for a new thought process. I’m actually much more at peace with the problems that life has thrown me after the way that last July went weird. I’m even willing to admit I find it a little strange that it’s been almost exactly a year (fifty weeks, actually) since I started doing what I’m doing.
I am a great many things, a certain type of healer among them. I have to remember that it is not my job, nor is anyone expecting me to, to heal the world-even when the world really, really sucks.