I have to give the universe some credit. This winter, while brutal and painful and hellish and overly long and white, has been easier on me in terms of stress.
If I could keep my apartment from flooding, that would be awesome. Once a month for the last three, I get a phone call at lunch-
“Did you know that there’s water coming in through X ceiling?”
Mid…I’m at work. How am I supposed to know that?
So I had another one of those phone calls last night. So I’m off today so I can clean the apartment in case the landlord wants to come in. The living room ceiling leaked once and then dried, so we’ve gone from freaked out, this is a huge issue, to, maybe the gutters need to be cleaned/the upstairs apartment spilled something last night.
I’ll still clean the apartment but I can get away with an email and hopefully not having someone in and out of my space all day.
I am a firm believer in body positivity. I feel like there’s nothing wrong with the body that you are in right now and I really do believe that the bigger problem is how we talk about bodies, not the bodies themselves. I truly believe that people have the right to do with their bodies as they want to, and it’s no one’s business but their own. Ultimately, that does mean that I am completely fine with both my own fat body and other people’s fat bodies.
Part of this attitude comes from my recovery (I have already discussed my EDNOS on a few occasions so I won’t go into that again). I am in fact ill-but I am not ill in the way that people really want me to be in because I am heavy.
The problem that I am facing right now-and it’s truly not uncommon, from what I see of the blogging world-is how do I go about accepting that my body is fine as it right now and wanting to change it?
This is not some sort of stats grabbing. random babble, Katie needs something to blog about comment. I have trauma issues that I’m attempting to finally work through, a back that keeps wanting to blow out on me, and a new beauty routine that I put in place to combat depression. It’s very hard for me to tell myself (and others) that I love myself as I am when all of the outward signs is that I don’t.
There is tension in the body positivity community. Again, I’m not really saying anything new here. As a larger woman (I’ll be blunt, I’m an American size 18 and have been for close to a decade) the body positivity movement is a beautiful thing. There is nothing ‘wrong’ with my body being the size that it is. Even if there were to be something wrong in relation to my health (there isn’t, at least nothing that isn’t related to meds I have to be on for other reasons and my EDNOS) that’s my business and my medical team’s concern-not the world as a whole. You don’t get to call the shots on other people’s bodies. That includes making comments like ‘I don’t find your body attractive.’
No one asked you.
But it can sometimes swing back too far to the other side-where you don’t allow for freedom of exploration or change. What do you do with a size 18 woman when she says, maybe I really would be happier at a smaller size? What if I really just want to try to dancing again? What if I want to try experimenting with cosmetics? What if I really do sort of want to claim some of the thin privilege that’s forced on us and not be made to feel like I have to fit for authenticity in society? That sounds suspiciously like a lack of body love right? You don’t want to change things you like, right?
The language surrounding the body is so arbitrary it can make your head spin (Reddit’s now decided that the ultimate beauty sin is wearing one (1) shade of eyeshadow. You must wear all colors in your palette expertly blended with puppy eye liner and dipbrowed power brows at all times or You Have Failed) that it’s hard to balance out messages that say on one hand, love yourself as you are and don’t let anyone bully you into changing, and ‘but you would be so much prettier if you were smaller? Why don’t you want to be smaller and embrace the dipbrow?’
I want to be in less pain, not be smaller. I’ve been at this size for long enough to know it’s not an issue with my weight, it’s an issue of my core strength. If getting my core strength back means losing weight, okay, but I’m not chasing after the scale and sacrificing the things I love just to make other people more comfortable with my self [for the record, myself and my self are two different concepts-hence why they’re spaced differently in these entries].
Honestly if I could get away with not exercising and be fat and happy without a back that wants to go out all the time I would. I hate exercising (and it’s not for lack of trying new things, there really are people who just hate exercise the way that some people hate contouring and accounting). The weird overly peppy support talk we give people who are exercising freaks me out a little-they’re going to the gym, not shipping out to the front lines.
I suppose this is a long winded, 3rd wave influenced sort of ranty flail to the effect that I don’t know what’s going to happen next-because I like who I am already but I’m sort of interested in seeing who comes next.
[And for the record, that person sort of wants to wear screamingly bright, single shade eye styles just out of spite.]